So I owe it to myself...

I have been wondering lately about the possibilities. The ways my life COULD have gone had I not succumbed to doing X. It seems to me that we all wonder about these so called possibilities. What if my parents had decided to hold off on the sex until two weeks later and I'd have been, consequently, born two weeks later, would I have been any different?
I would like to think, yes. But, then, I'd also like to think a big fat no. If I was meant to be here, like this, a product of all of my influences, I would have been here regardless of the day, date, month, year, time I was born and would probably be thinking the things I do now, now. But, would I really? Would I have had the same influences?
I believe in the crazies of the zodiac signs. What they say might just as well be true of me as of any Pisces born on such and such a day at such and such a time with the stars that have been aligned in a particular manner. For all I know, the hoccum may as well be fact... I am sure the statistics is all wrong here, but about half the world, at least, believes in hocus pocus. If not magic, then something else. Superstition, some other crazies. But, my point is, even if you do, or don't, it is a product of influence. From the outside world, from rational thought, from experience, whatever.
So, I guess I would have been different. I would be two weeks less mature or different than I am now.
I digress, but do you ever notice how loud it gets in the cities sometimes? It's almost like under the drone of the constant construction noises you can't even hear your own thoughts... now, before you start contemplating this route of thought, let me bring you back to my little dilemma,
What if I had not done X and instead done Y?
Why ought I to even ask myself that question when X has occurred and now Y remains one of the many options that could have taken its place? So, granted that X has happened, are my feelings for X having happened justified? Supposing that X was in my control and Y was as well, but the circumstances leading to X are valid as opposed to the rationale behind Y, ought I to say that nothing else could have happened but X? Not necessarily, or necessarily, yes...
It's all so confusing. I am sure philosophy will seem meaningless after a while. And the only thing that will be left will be observation and nothing more. Observation of the contradictory thoughts that coexist in the world as well as the ignorance of those thoughts towards each other. Perhaps all that philosophical thought is IS observation and rational abstraction.
Who knows? Do you?

With Crippled Anger and Tears That Still Drip Sore.

You know those times when you wish that people in your past would come back and tell you that thing that you were dying to hear the whole while. It's just that. I heard it. I heard it from three distinct people, three different propositions and all of which took a toll on me that I never understood why. If I had sat there and contemplated why I had done what I had done, it would have made no sense to me. I would be making excuses for the moment that I lost each of them. I disconnected them from my life and I knew I never wanted them back in it.
They say people leave your life for a reason, then do they also come back for a reason? Or is it simply because the virtual world has made it THAT easy for us to connect?
For me, seriously, I don't care about who you are, what you've done in your past, where you are now, where you are going or if you are lost (actually I quite enjoy people that are lost, they have the best stories of trying to find themselves... they have some depth). I want to talk to you. I want to know you, understand you, live with you. I've always, only ever wanted that. To understand another's mind... another's thoughts, emotions, feelings, it makes the world a little less mysteriously scary and more satisfactory.
At the end of the day, I look myself in the eyes, in the mirror and face myself: am I satisfied with today? With my whole life? Have I taken enough chances that I know now they are worth it? Am I still worth the life that I am living?
Sometimes all of the answers above are a solid yes, sometimes they are gray and something they are all solid nos. No matter what they are and will be, tonight or each night following, I can say that I have been able to face myself. I know who I am, what I have become. I know I am perfectly satisfied with myself.
There are moments of hilarity in which I wonder about the irrationality of this exercise. I mean, really, we all dream beautiful dreams about the future and sometimes they are bleak, but most of all they are dreams... ones that we want satisfied, somehow. So, maybe I am wrong. Maybe being satisfied is a terrible thing to be, one ought to either be happy or sad at the end of the day. But, I say, if tomorrow were to never come, I wouldn't exist. Any human emotion would be arbitrary and uselessly defined. If tomorrow never came, I don't want to be known as that person who never lived her life having taken arbitrary risks and chances.
I know if I don't love, live, learn today, I don't have a guarantee that any of those things will happen tomorrow. They may be a distant reality of the past...

I do not want to be afraid, I don't want to die inside just to breathe in, I am tired, of feeling so alone... -- Cut by Plumb.

Those Moments That Seem Impossible.

I suppose you can only drive a person to the edge so many times before they fall on their own will. Similarly, you can only bring the horse to the water so many times that it knows that it ought to drink with its own mouth. Sadly, we all drive people too the edge, too many times. We forget that we have our weaknesses, our strengths and our crazy dreams that no one will ever understand.
As I was reading De Monfort for the past four days, I realized that the passions of the mind are impossible to forget and fruitless to forgive if their outcome be negative. The impulses, those rash emotions, they bind you to themselves. They never let you forget that it was in your hands to react a particular way.
I have always been the one to spare a person's emotions. Especially as a relationship of long came to an end. But, even I can't help feeling that there are always too many words left unspoken, too many emotions coiled up in the dark pits of our stomach that no one but you will ever know to be real.
I feel like a Miss Havisham and a Pip and an Estella all at once. I've been living in an unruly contradiction my whole life and until I learned to face myself, it was hard to explain what I meant and what I felt to somebody else.
Now, here I am, spilling my guts and brains out to the virtual space, uncaring of what the world might view me as. For I do know, now, that all the times I pretended I was strong, I was weak and all the times I became vulnerable, I was stronger than I had ever known myself to be in the faith that dependence had an ultimate goal.
--- If you only knew how many times I counted all the words that went wrong... - If You Only Knew by Shinedown

Broken Things.

Broken links, chains, furniture, guitars, hearts, limbs, relationships... Why can't we hold onto something more stable? If I had a moment where I could read a person's mind, even one, that would be a wish come true. People are so complex, so intriguing, so mysterious. It is impossible to know the truth from the words that come out of a person's mouth. The distance between the language, the thought and the emotion is miles apart. So I ask, why isn't there something stable? Something that is certain, some foundation upon which we can lay all others upon.
I lost my faith in a being such as 'god' a long time ago. That can't be grounding for me. What do I trust then? If I follow a little bit of Descartes and claim that I ought to believe that I am real and leave apart the rest of his philosophy, I would go insane. I guess one option is to just redeem myself by claiming that I am right and the rest is just bullocks. People, this computer, this keyboard is all simply a figment of my imagination. We are all brains in vats...
The problem is, I can rationalize all of these valid ideas and contentions, but it is in my emotions that I know I can't ground myself on the idea that I am the only one here and everything else just happens to be at my disposal, for my use, to do with as I please. Then the senses take over and all I can see are polar opposites and the million shades of gray in the middle to muse over.

XOX

Pessimistically Optimistic.

How can there be beauty and horror in the same darn thing? Is it what we bring to the circumstance, or what the circumstance brings to us? Are we afraid of the dark, or is the dark afraid of us? Is it simple or are we just leaving something out of the complicated picture? I could stop and stare and wait and lie in this pondering forever and still not be finished the task of doing some intense inner searching for forever. I wish it were black and white and that those neutral didn't mix and there was no gray. I wish it was easy to blame the objects of our senses and claim that they made us scared, they made us happy, and they made us sad... but, we all know none of that blame game is true... or is it simply not true, but not false either?
I keep waiting for that moment when I can finally see the light in the darkness and the darkness in the light. The latter seems easier to find than the former. I guess that means that I am always half glass empty. Forever seems too long and life... short. Eternity seems selfish and life, selfless. So, are we inherently selfless? Are we forgivers, not sinners, because we couldn't possibly sin. Are we afraid of death or is death a permanent truth that we can't evade. The metaphors, the symbols, the ideas, the thoughts, are they real, or simply creations of the physical realm that we can't see. Is reason, is thought, that sense that we ought to be relating to, to understand that we are confined to our five sense and can't fathom anything outside of it? Is that the mode to reach an entirely DIFFERENT way of thinking?
Right here, in this moment, being alive, is a good thing, or is it?
We are complicated, not simple. Had we been simple, one brain couldn't control, manipulate or destroy the other.
Put two minds together in a room and you have war for each one tries to out-wit the other. With one mind, a person goes insane.

The Warmth I Feel Beside Me...

So lately, since I began to think more about this idea that people have in their minds that we are protected by some higher entity, God or not, I have realized that there seems to be no satisfaction left in the idea that we are natural, organic beings. We claim to be different from animals and other species, because of this one faculty called rationality and our ability because of it to dominate over them, but our inability to control our passion, raw emotion and desire, proves otherwise. Yes, here I am taking one vice and claiming that it makes us who we are. I think we are a little too hasty in claiming that we are different from the creatures we premeditate our differences out of. I am not condoning killing other humans, as animals do - kill each other, that would be barbaric, but I am saying that it does happen. We claim that this is a defect in the brain and that the "good" people are the ones that are civilized. Is civility then a product of suppression of raw emotion? Or is it that of self-control? And, when does this self-control get you no where?
In order that we understand who WE are, who I am, and what the HUMAN BEINGS as a species' role is in the world, we have to look to other beings, deconstruct their mental conditioning, their thoughts, their actions, their manners of being and their place in the world. This might as well be the project of biology, anthropology and a definitive applicability of the laws of physics. We are past the survival stage... the one where we could just as well be considered animals. But, are we? We shove and push it down our own throats that we are "better than that", but are we? Because, really, we do have multiple sex partners, follow the theory of the "survival of the fittest" and continue to criticize the poor for the inability to keep it in their pants or for their lack of education. The contradiction that we live under is that we (as privileged folk) live like we do because we have no worry of the next meal. Had we had to worry about the next grain of rice, some crazy individuals stealing our daughters to sell them off to prostitution (be it our husbands or other male authority figures, or ourselves out of desperation), other crazy individuals or animals feeding off of our food, our bodies, or worrying about the next wave of disease, we wouldn't have the time nor the moments to think about our lives, to think about the complex ways the world works. We would just be, just those animals, living just like them, which, lest we forget, 70% of the world's human population is conditioned to live under.
So, I ask myself, as organic creatures, ought we to give up our so called progress in terms of technology? The mechanisms, artificial, that we have created that help us KNOW more... without the practical forbearing on our mentality. No reality, just virtual reality.

That's all for now.
XOX

Plastic Hearts.

A little late to be thinking about V-day, but cupid can be a little cruel and shoot arrows in the wrong direction at the worst of times. I believe that in the 21st century, money does buy love. Yeah, yeah, I know it's that feeling, that tingly, oogly, lovey dovey feeling. Sure... please come back to me after the honeymoon stage of the romance and tell me you have that same feeling. Maybe, I am just ranting about this 'lovey dovey' feeling, because I envy the people who have it, for a lifetime. But, my point still is, there is a monetary standard to love now that makes it seem so fake and so unreal.
Well, let's check out the folks that claim unconditional love is possible (leave aside god's love for the sake of simplicity). The absurd phrases that start with 'no matter what' and end with '...I still love you'. Gawk! Are we obsessed with losing the love or just the connection we had for a very long time? Or is it just that we want to be saintly and forgiving and morally 'in the right'. I suppose, anyone can find that kind of love. But, it could be confused with admiration for persons with truly wretched minds. (I am thinking of all those people who join cults and praise its leader in admiration --- that truly is unconditional love) And, then again, how much more wretched do we have to be aside from simply having a mind!
So, now I wonder, are we caught up in a world of loving pretenders or pretending to love? I feel a little like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City saying that, but I suppose she would ponder over something like this - had she been a real person. We all have checklists: not the brunettes, not the isolated maniacs, the rock star, the Irish man, the duplicate of Jessica Alba, and so on. Are we checklist-ing ourselves into a lifetime of disappointment and indirectly setting up standards that we know we can't possible sustain in reality?
I suppose we could argue that dreaming is always healthy, but does that justify waiting for the person with the perfect score on the checklist and wasting time, money and emotions on the ones that don't? One of two ways again: yes and no. The ones that argue yes, have had no pleasure of having experimented with a ton or few people and grown to know that the checklist is superficial or needs alteration. The ones that argue no, have been either crazed out or don't believe in waiting for their perfect mate.
Whichever category you fall under, it seems clear that neither really satisfies the inner urge to know somebody so well that you can be ANYTHING to them. No relationship definition necessary. No control, just a simple letting go. Of course, this relationship is impossible unless one is crazy. I digress. What it also doesn't satisfy is one of the points on the checklist: will he/she make me happy in the future by societal standards? Buying a house, a car, furniture, a steady job... and we are back to the checklists again. No love in sight. Just checklists  and whether or not they sustain that 'lovey dovey' feeling long enough so that there is no question of separation. Let's face it: love is not just a feeling, unless you were suspended in time and space and let yourself simply live in the X moment when you felt Y with particular person Z. The practicalities to it are endless and ones that we have never been told at childhood.
I'd suggest an end to the publication of the princess stories for children and the superhero comics for boys, but it would be a shame to not let the children reading them be a little brainwashed by the unreality and then come to terms with it later.

That's all for now.
XOX

The Complicated Simpleness of Thoughts

So, I suppose we can start to get a little personal. Of course, this doesn't mean that I will strip down all my layers and barriers and reveal to the world what I truly think about said subject X, Y, or Z. The truth is that nobody ever really knows what they are thinking about X, Y, or Z. They think that particular thought now and then it erases itself. Just self-destructs within seconds and before we can capture it in coherent words, it's lost.
Does that mean then, that the idea in and of itself is lost in the process of thought? Or does it just mean that the essence of the idea or the original idea is lost? Of course, the rationalist will believe that this is a coherent process to follow to distinguish the pure thoughts from the impure ones. The odd part of it is, it makes me question, do we think impure thoughts, always, or are we struck by the obscurity of our thoughts and seek revision for the better understanding and relating to our thoughts? If it is the latter, why are we so concerned with what other people think of our thoughts? Are we afraid to be alone in our own thought that we want others to approve of it?
Perhaps these seem a little to extreme ways of thinking about the concepts of empathy and sympathy, but I suppose in a way it seems more likely to think that we are scared of being alone in our own thoughts and seek the approval of others.
How would, I, or anybody else then, really strip down the layers that make up me? After a point, we are alone. And, yet we seek solace in the notion that we are not. Be it by the idea that our souls are somehow connected to a higher being that is God and will protect and guide and never let us be alone. Why are we so afraid of being alone? Could it be just the biology that we are built to be social creatures that is making us create these impossible imaginary notions of satisfaction and solace in arbitrary thoughts of comfort, or are we truly that complicated?
Somehow, I like the former opinion that we really are just social creatures. Perhaps the thing about complex thoughts is that we only think them when we have nothing better to think of, or nothing better to occupy our time and our minds with. Have you ever noticed how all 'great thinkers' seem to be pretty well off or living on meager wages that they want to change their desperate situation? But, I guess that covers the sum total of the human population. Polar extremes, those examples, but of course we all fall somewhere on that scale.

---- Leave one mind alone and it will conjure up reasons to fear, melancholy will soon follow. Give it another mind for company and they'll both find reasons to mistrust the other... they will seek war.- Anonymous.

That's all for now.

XOX

Rational Emotions

We would give into the fight or flight response every time had we no control over our emotions. Worse, we would be jumping every guy or girl that we found attractive, but even animals have a sort of rationale of a mating period for when they do that. So, I suppose this means that rationality ought to control the emotions. However, I almost want to go the Rochester route and claim that there is such a thing as 'right reason', the one that appeals to the senses. In moderation. He did die of syphilis, I am quite aware of that fact, and was known to be an outright womanizer, but that doesn't mean that what he claimed had any less credibility. He just didn't practice what he preached... let's call ourselves ALL guilty for doing that. But, the essence of this rant is to aim at the impossibility of controlling your emotions even though you have self-control.
There is a distinction between societal and outward self-control as opposed to the complete obliteration of thoughts and emotions. It seems as though we can not pursue the latter without either being ignorant of our true intentions, motives and desires and hence simply lying to ourselves. The idea of self-control because society claims it right or appropriate given a particular circumstance, seems to me to be hypocritical. Of course we don't want to act on all our emotions, but it is absurd to believe that we don't have them and that they will and must control us from time to time. We only find the absurd beautiful or grotesque because it amplifies or reduces to it's meager form what our incessant desires, vices and virtues are in exaggeration...
For "man differs from man, more than man differs from beast" -- Rochester's Satyr Against Reason and Mankind.
That's all for now...
XOX

Don't we all have secrets?

I understand that God knows everything, at least the Judeo-Christian God does. So, I ask myself. Do I have secrets? Or am I lying naked in front of someone, basked open in my shame, sadness, happiness, every thought and desire known. Well, I would rather be nothing than have that. God is so human like in the Judeo-Christian tradition that it is almost humiliating to lay myself bare to such a being. Maybe because I might feel what God feels, having the knowledge that God has about my wrong-doings.
This would be a problem had I an ounce of belief in God. I do have respect, however, for the claims of knowledge that people seem to impose upon me of the Being. But, I digress. What about the possibility that this person, was simply god-like? I would be laying bare in their ability to know my secrets and their priding themselves of that very fact. But, would this person really care about knowing all of the minute mundane details of my life? Every dream, every moment that I breathe, my heart beats... it seems creepy and really boring at the same time. Really, whatever designed our existences or chose to must have had a great amount of time to make the most complex of systems and designs in order that we understand very little of ourselves and live as contradictions.
What if that person, god-like, had a micro-chip embeded into their brain that told them practically everything about me? Would I really fear the person or would I simply be in awe of their knowledge. Of course the person would know my innate desires and what I 'really' wanted from life or from person X that I encountered on a daily basis, but would that make me fear them or simply find them exhausting to keep around?
I like my privacy. There are thoughts and feelings that no person should know about or even bother trying to read. And, it doesn't bother me if no one knows, since that's just the way I want it. Omniscience is a little too demanding of my complex systems, my brain, my thoughts, my desire and my shame. Moreover, if I have been given the opportunity to know EVERYTHING there is to know about another person, I doubt I would take that opportunity and not regret having chosen the knowledge. Now, control of another person, that is an entirely different realm of power-seeking that I shall not get into, at the present moment.

XOXO

As though I had chosen to be born.

I think I am starting to understand the 'live in the moment' concept a lot better now. It really was not my intention to be born. The original cause of the beginning of my suffering of life I owe it all to the parents. However, I also owe the happiness and the exciting adventures. But, does that mean that I should be grateful for this 'life' that I had no control over deciding whether or not I wanted to live? Yes and no. I didn't choose being born, but I did choose, almost everything that came after those first moments of tears. Of course I am lucky and blessed to have been in a country where I can sit idly from time to time and contemplate such thoughts instead of having to lug ten liters of water on my shoulders, but I could have been born to parents who were much different. I could have been the product of two completely separate individuals that were not my parents. That thought scares me. Have I a soul? If so, then I could have been in a completely different body, with completely different experiences since I had no control over the initiation into this 'home' I call 'the world'.
I think it's as I grow older that I realize that my origin is important. It's unique and had it had a second of a delay, there may have been a change in the outcome of my existence as I so see it now. But, perhaps, nothing would have changed and the only difference would have been my coming into existence at 10:15:13 instead of 10:14:57. A difference in numbers. Numerologists might argue that it did matter, the alignment of the stars and the position of the moon would be different, etc. But, my question still lingers, at any of those two times, why was it 'me' that was born? Why not 'you'? Or somebody else.
I started off claiming that I understand the meaning of 'living in the moment' better now. And the reason for that is: I hadn't chosen to be born, but I have chosen to live. Hence, it seems that I ought to continue to live in the moment, feel satisfied if this day were my last. I wonder if Obama or even Paris Hilton are satisfied having lived their lives the way that they wanted to, with an imminent amount of success at their doorsteps. Or do we always end up wanting more? Evading the inevitable and trying to prolong it for as long as possible until the impossible surfaces and the heart, the kidney, the lungs fail, or the cancer is simply unbeatable...
--- Suddenly my eyes were opened, everything comes into focus, we are all illuminated, lights are shining on our faces, brightly... Illuminated by Hurts.

XOX

'Cause I need a Ph. D. to my title to make me a legit writer.

The thing about unformulated, incoherent, insubstantial thoughts is that they are too raw for the eyes of 'professional' readers. This is why we edit, proof read, proof read some more, lose our sanities at 4:00 a.m. trying to finish that last paragraph for that last essay of the term. How on earth do people get the inspiration and the motivation to continue writing like maniacs with sheer elegance in those last coffee-driven minutes, is beyond me. Landing with an A+ paper at that, merely blow my mind. But, the truth is, the longer I stay in school, the more concise and coherent my thought and language becomes... well, isn't that a bunch of crap! I admit that it helps, sure, as does living and working in the 'real' world, apart from the academic helps to sustain oneself. My dad knew a man who had dropped out of school in Grade 10, started his own company and then was recruited by my dad's to become the PR manager. I have met him personally and to be honest, I can't tell whether he had ever been to school or whether he's just faking the whole British accent and polished statements. I have read his emails to my dad and really this man is a stroke of genius. His elegance and style may have come from the bucket-loads of experience that he had working post-dropping out, but he did it. He nailed the 'pure' thought process.
Of course, I might discredit his work by claiming that he is just one example and most of us need to go into university or college to get the clarity in our writing and in our speech. Let's be honest with ourselves, at least those studying English in University, we know some of the writers we read and analyze in class were some very unclassy folks who probably never went to school or even if they did, they had minimal education. Their works had the kind of 'raw' that our works lack. Maybe that's the problem with the University structure: discrediting originality of thought, aiming for a robotic understanding of the texts through essay-writing and draining out creativity is the way to go. Perhaps, this makes it slightly easier in the marking? But even then, style and subjectivity of the reader either allows for a subjective A+ or a subjective C-. Perhaps a little more creativity, some more thought, a little more KABAM! in everyone's work can give these mundane tasks a brighter end. But, of course, this whole rant won't be taken seriously unless I had a Ph. D to my title about the ways in which 'Dynamic ways of teaching help improve the creative part of a person's brain' (adding a whole bunch of complicated psychological terminology combined with it's effects on the sociological structuring of the university education).
All I know, is that some of the articles we read in newspapers come from students who have graduated from English undergrad degrees, Journalism undergrad degrees, and so on and so forth. We may take their statements with a grain of salt, but I don't see why we would question it beyond necessary, since we hardly have the time or the energy to spend doing so.
--- 'In science there is a dictum: don't add an experiment to an experiment. Don't make things unnecessarily complicated. In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story.' Ben Bova


XOXO 

In between this thought and the next.

What is it like to have a moment where there are no thoughts in your mind, conscious or subconscious? No heart beat, no breathing, no blinking, just nothingness. That is what the gap would be between one thought to the next. Now, to capture it... Surely, it is logically possible that I have thought A and then thought B and where thought A ends, thought B begins. Or, perhaps they overlap? Or maybe, the thoughts are a string or mouse tails connected, or a set of points: Thought A............B. Fishy, this whole thoughts business as it may be, there is still the issue of what one thought comprises. Is it me thinking a word that is a thought? Or is it me having a flowchart/series of events in my mind that is a thought? I guess we can make the distinction between a complete and an incomplete thought. A complete thought being one that encompasses a flowchart-like reasoning behind the existence of that thought and an incomplete thought being one that is a product of the flowchart, but has a random logical inconsistency in the middle.
Well, let me move onto something a little more obscure: the thought comprising something awful. A nightmare: the theory of relativity (in an Einstein joking way) will take up a whole lot of time as a thought. It might 'seem' like a stretched out though, but one that does not finish until the last ounce of negative emotion has left you post-nightmare. A burn, a cut, the feelings, the reaction, the immediate observation, I wonder if these are all singular thoughts... definable in some particular way.
As I ponder these meaningless/meaningful questions (whichever be your take), I surrender myself hopelessly to the 'thought' that I might be confusing feelings with thoughts and thoughts with feelings, although a psychologist might disagree.

XOXO

We are worlds apart.

We all hear it, all the time, or have heard it, once upon a time: we are in different worlds, we belong to different worlds, etc. We have been victims of bullying, gossip, dirty jokes, sneers, because of it. But, what fails to entertain me is when these ideas run in the social lives in the academic worlds: the universities and the colleges. The other myth: he's/she's just not in my league. What does that even mean? He's too good looking or too lame looking for me? How can you even tell at one glance across the bar, across the dance floor. The biggest blow to someone's self-esteem is rejection by societal 'populars'. Heck, had I been 'popular' in highschool or even now, I am sure I wouldn't be here blogging about the victimization of the outcasts. The truth is, I didn't really care about the popularity by social standards. I did what I had to do and then I bolted right out of highschool. I am now in a university where not a single soul from my past exists and lives within 200 - 300 kms of me. A fresh start, right? Not really, since it's the same everywhere that I go. I see these cliques, leagues, groups of friends and social contracts being written up everywhere that I go. It is thoroughly embarrassing for a university student to succumb to these societal norms when we've been taught day in and day out: don't judge a book by it's 'damn' cover. And, yet, we go right ahead and do just that. I know I haven't approached people in the past because they 'look like they are busy' or 'look like they are wayyyyy out of my league' or something similar, but then I realized how many awesome opportunities I lost in making the friends that I could have, because of this flaw in my very own personality.
Now, you, the reader, might think: this is the norm. If this is the norm, then no wonder we are all living a life of clichés. The lonely kid falling in love with the popular kid only to find his/her feelings not reciprocated. What a sad... cliché story. Let's mingle, be a little more dynamic and free.
I swear I must find the popular kids in my year, but I know I can't: too many people with a 150 people + 'friends' listing on Facebook.

That's all for now.
XOX

If the world ended this very second.

We all want to go with a boom, crash. But, what if the world ended this very second. Right when you were reading this, right when I was writing it. What a way to go... Complete darkness, no solid sight or sound to hold onto. Is that what death and truly disappearing would feel like? Maybe that's why we are afraid of not existing. We are afraid of the still. Of course we come up with the children's stories that have talking dolls and chairs, but if they were to appear in front of us, like an adult reality, we'd run away screaming like babies. Isn't that ironic. We teach children normalcy, yet when normalcy is abnormal we regress.
I wonder though, I wonder what I would regret, what I would find totally obscure, what I would wish I had done, if the world were to end this very second. On first thought: nothing. I would regret nothing. But, that's the problem with thinking. The deeper you get into these obscure notions of 'the end' the more you come up with insane theories to match them. Would I wish I had done something different? Yeah, be dying right next to the one that I love and not on the computer philosophizing about 'the end'. Why must we think about this as the end anyway?
I guess if you believe in an afterlife, koodos to you, since you'll be reincarnated, in hell, in heaven, purgatory, some sort of weird dominion of space and time continuum that I don't see myself ever believing in. I know I will die, I will decompose, become earth worm or bacteria feed and then occasionally be fertilizer for grass, if I am lucky enough to have something worth using in me apart from all the preservatives. I also wonder about all of those emotions that I keep inside of me, that I haven't let go and won't because I am scared of either rejection or merely out of self-control. Hedonism is not such a bad idea...? No, what I am trying to aim at is self-control is necessary to suppress the insanity. But, I wonder then if I will become like Mr. Wilde who fled England to preserve his own sanity. I am sure after reading this rant, you'd rather have wished that this were the end of time... or maybe not, because you'd rather have been doing something better.
--- Live in the moment, let tomorrow be undecided and let the past rot where it belongs - in the past.

XOXO