You know those times when you wish that people in your past would come back and tell you that thing that you were dying to hear the whole while. It's just that. I heard it. I heard it from three distinct people, three different propositions and all of which took a toll on me that I never understood why. If I had sat there and contemplated why I had done what I had done, it would have made no sense to me. I would be making excuses for the moment that I lost each of them. I disconnected them from my life and I knew I never wanted them back in it.
They say people leave your life for a reason, then do they also come back for a reason? Or is it simply because the virtual world has made it THAT easy for us to connect?
For me, seriously, I don't care about who you are, what you've done in your past, where you are now, where you are going or if you are lost (actually I quite enjoy people that are lost, they have the best stories of trying to find themselves... they have some depth). I want to talk to you. I want to know you, understand you, live with you. I've always, only ever wanted that. To understand another's mind... another's thoughts, emotions, feelings, it makes the world a little less mysteriously scary and more satisfactory.
At the end of the day, I look myself in the eyes, in the mirror and face myself: am I satisfied with today? With my whole life? Have I taken enough chances that I know now they are worth it? Am I still worth the life that I am living?
Sometimes all of the answers above are a solid yes, sometimes they are gray and something they are all solid nos. No matter what they are and will be, tonight or each night following, I can say that I have been able to face myself. I know who I am, what I have become. I know I am perfectly satisfied with myself.
There are moments of hilarity in which I wonder about the irrationality of this exercise. I mean, really, we all dream beautiful dreams about the future and sometimes they are bleak, but most of all they are dreams... ones that we want satisfied, somehow. So, maybe I am wrong. Maybe being satisfied is a terrible thing to be, one ought to either be happy or sad at the end of the day. But, I say, if tomorrow were to never come, I wouldn't exist. Any human emotion would be arbitrary and uselessly defined. If tomorrow never came, I don't want to be known as that person who never lived her life having taken arbitrary risks and chances.
I know if I don't love, live, learn today, I don't have a guarantee that any of those things will happen tomorrow. They may be a distant reality of the past...
I do not want to be afraid, I don't want to die inside just to breathe in, I am tired, of feeling so alone... -- Cut by Plumb.
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